Choosing The Right Words
Enter your revision in the box below each exercise. Click the “+” below each box to see Dr. Hirst’s revision.
Exercise 1
Rewrite these sentences, coming down the ladder of abstraction for the boldfaced words. That is: increase the precision of each sentence. Click on my answer only after attempting your own. Our answers will vary widely, but they should both increase the level of specificity for the italicized words.
Adjust all holes and edges to remove any irregularities.
Take off the fastener and open the container.
The cost of the material dropped a while ago.
Pressure switches are to be serviceable from floor level.
The grant provided me with a computer.
Look at the voting cards to see if they have any problems.
The auto’s safety features have been improved.
The manager saved the employee’s life.
The Ladder of Abstraction applies mostly to nouns and noun phrases, but you’ll notice that I tinkered with verbs and adverbs in some of those sentences, too. “Examine closely” is more precise than “look.” Don’t neglect verbs when you are editing for precision and impact.
For example, you want to make the best possible impression on the person who maybe reading your resume. In particular, you want to leave that person with a strong impression that you’ve done really important things. So your choice of verbs is particularly important. Which of these sentences leaves a more vivid impression?
I found new employees and helped them learn.
I recruited and trained new employees.
The second sentence leaves a stronger impression, not simply because I’ve made it a bit shorter and used parallel form (though those things are a factor), but mostly by virtue of its more vivid verbs.
Here FYI are some verbs you may want to use on your resume:
adjusted directed mixed received
administered dispensed monitored recorded
advised distributed moved recruited
analyzed documented negotiated reduced
announced drafted obtained referred
arranged eliminated operated removed
assembled engineered ordered replenished
assisted evaluated organized represented
audited examined oversaw reviewed
calculated expanded packed routed
charted filled performed satisfied
checked hauled planned scheduled
collected identified phoned separated
communicated illustrated posted served
completed implemented prepared selected
coordinated improved prescribed sorted
conducted increased presented studied
constructed installed printed supervised
consulted instituted priced supplied
controlled interviewed processed taught
corresponded invented produced tested
counted labeled programmed trained
created lectured promoted translated
delivered lifted protected typed
designed loaded provided unloaded
detected logged published verified
determined maintained pulled wrote
developed manufactured purchased wheeled
So: coming down the ladder of abstraction, with nouns and even with verbs, helps us to be more specific–and therefore more precise, interesting, and memorable. That’s one dimension of choosing the right words. Another concern in choosing the right words is simply to be correct.
Correctness
Don’t say one thing when you mean another. If you write in a memo, “We’ve decided to except your offer,” the deal is off. If your organization wanted to take that offer, you should have written, “We’ve decided to accept your offer.” You probably wouldn’t have made that particular mistake, but have you been guilty of any of the mistakes below?
Exercise 2
Rewrite each sentence using the correct word.
The manufacturers have lessened the weight of the robot.
I was anxious to see the new product.
I felt badly about the wreck.
The company held its biennial meeting in June and December of each year.
Our technicians have adopted the new machinery to work with our existing system.
Negotiations between the three countries have broken down.
There are less units of blood available this week than last week.
He implied from my actions that I was the guilty party.
The data is ambiguous.
The defendant’s lawyer raised a continuous series of objections.
The principle investors want to look at the business plan again.
We intend to use every criteria we can think of.
The consultant is an imminent scholar.
The hostess was congenial.
The right words in the professional world must be correct and precise. If you follow the advice I give in the other units, they will also be well adjusted to your audience, hang together well, and appear in the right order.
But now let’s ask a “final” question about the right words in government, industry, and business. Should those words even be imaginative–colorful, perhaps metaphorical –like in “creative writing”? The question, framed this way, answers itself. Of course they should–wherever appropriate. We’ll address appropriateness later. For now, let’s look at the use of imaginative language in professional communication.
Imagination
(Stay tuned for an important caveat at the end of this section)
Have you ever heard of an A-frame house? C-clamp? I-beam? O-ring? Sure you have. Ever stop to think that those are metaphors–and that they are being used in the world of business and technology? The ones I’ve mentioned happen to be visual metaphors based on letters of the alphabet, the object taking its name from its similarity to the shape of a letter of the alphabet.
Can you think of branches of science that make use of imaginative language? How about botany? Ever seen Dutchman’s Breeches, Lady’s Slipper, Shooting Star, or Jack in the Pulpit? All names based on an imaginative similarity between a flower and some other object.
We have a long tradition of this, and it’s not limited to “popular” names. For example, an “ovate” leaf is egg shaped and a “serrate” one has sawtooth edges. Both words are Latinate. The mons veneris and the Achilles tendon are named not for shape, but on the basis of an association from classical mythology. (My thanks to John S. Harris of BYU for these examples.)
Science and technology are full of such imaginative, metaphorical nomenclature. So on one level, your question–”Should I use imaginative language in professional communication?”–is already answered. You must use it, certainly in the sense of using terms that are common parlance in medicine, botany, theoretical physics, computer science, and so on.
When you use such terms, you aren’t inventing anything new. But you should take your lead from all those folks who invented the metaphorical language now so commonly used. That is, when metaphor or colorful description will help you communicate better with your audience, use it.
For example: here’s an excerpt from a set of instructions, written once without metaphorical help, and once with metaphor. Which do you find more helpful?
Applying Trim to Canoe Body
1. Position part 5 along Y axis of canoe bow and insert extension A of part 5 into slot 9.
or
Applying Trim to Canoe Body
1. Snug the ladle-shaped “nose protector” over the canoe’s nose and slide its handle into the groove running down the nose.
I don’t know about you, but I much prefer the second sentence. It makes my mental effort easier as I trim out that canoe. Its metaphorical descriptions (and more precise verbs) allow me to visualize my task much better than do the abstract designations (and less precise verbs) of the first sentence.
That’s one of the pillars of good professional writing, remember: you do the hard work of writing well so that your reader’s job is easier.
Exercise 3
Rewrite each sentence using language that makes the sentence more vivid, interesting, and easy to understand.
Terminate the power flow to the engine by turning off the starter switch.
The main circuit panel of the computer soon became more complex and additional, smaller circuit panels were connected to it.
We were obliged to terminate our efforts to assist Taiwan in putting back together its technologically related industries.
Their employees are sending out an electronically encoded set of instructions designed to make computers malfunction, and indeed, thousands of computers are now ceasing to function as a result.
The problem we’ve encountered now is in all likelihood the first of many more that we’ll encounter as we proceed.
The stream comes through the valley rapidly in a very curved path and then spreads out noisily over the sand in a triangular shape.
The driver of the vehicle drove in several 360-degree turns on the snow-covered roadway and then slid off the side of the road, knocking down many fence posts as he went.
You shouldn’t leave just one line of text at the top of a page, the last line of a paragraph that began on the previous page; neither should you begin a paragraph near the bottom of a page of text if you can get only one line of that paragraph on that page.
If you improve the program’s visual display to the user but do not repair the program at the level of basic code, you are simply adorning something that is fundamentally flawed.