Trimming fat
Enter your revision in the box below each exercise. Click the “+” below each box to see Dr. Hirst’s revision.
Exercise #1
The sentences below contain one or more fatty words. Type revised sentences using simpler, shorter, more direct words—but don’t change the basic meaning of the sentence. There is no single “correct” revision, but odds are that both your revision and mine improve the original.
1. We will initiate the contest today.
2. The company constructed the machine.
3. I endeavored to demonstrate the solution.
4. The modifications we have effectuated will facilitate operations.
5. We will terminate the experiments in approximately one week.
Review the following list to remind yourself that the English language has equivalents to most words. In the world of work, where you must make decisions and perform tasks throughout your busy day, which words would you rather see in a letter, specification, proposal, or report?
aggregate (noun) sum
approximately about
ascertain find out, learn
construct (verb) build
deleterious harmful
demonstrate show
effectuate do, cause
encounter find
endeavor (verb) try
equivalent equal
facilitate help
forward (verb) send
initial (noun) first
initiate start
modification change
occasion (verb) cause
optimum best
procure get
purchase (verb) buy
regarding about
reimburse repay
sufficient enough
terminate stop, end
transmit send
utilize use
Exercise #2
In this exercise, you’re looking for fatty phrases of any kind, not just individual fatty words. Again, type revised sentences using simpler, shorter, more direct expressions—but don’t change the basic meaning of the sentence. After you’ve tried your own revision, click on the “+” to see the prof’s revision. There is no single “correct” revision.
And don’t be hoodwinked into believing these long phrases are sophisticated. The leaner sentences you’ll write are MORE sophisticated.
1. Due to the fact that he was late, he was required to put in another appearance later that day.
2. We are in a position to resupply you with widgets in the event that your existing supply becomes exhausted.
3. Some managers are of the opinion that employees should not use computers in order to view entertainment sites on the Internet while in an employment setting.
4. Subsequent to the time that we held our conversation regarding company objectives, I calculated that we needed somewhere in the neighborhood of twenty-five million dollars in order to have the ability to compete with ACME.
5. We would appreciate your transferring to us an Internet information technology professional who has the ability to create World Wide Web sites that do not involve too much expense.
Here’s a list of the sort of phrases you should trim from prose, followed by shorter, crisper equivalents:
along the lines of like
as of this date today
at all times always
at the present time now
at this point in time now
become cognizant know, learn, find, realize
by means of by
due to the fact that because, since
during the same time that while
for the purpose of for, to
for the reason that because, since
has a tendency to break fragile
in a number of cases sometimes, at times
in a position to can, be able
in a satisfactory manner satisfactorily, well
in order to to
in possession of have, has
in spite of the fact that although, even though
in the event that if
in the nature of like
in the near future soon
in view of the fact that because, since
is of the opinion that thinks, believes
it is our opinion we think, believe
located in the vicinity of near
on the basis of by
on the part of for
owing to the fact that because, since
prior to before
prior to the start of before
subsequent to after
subsequent to the start of after
under date of on
until such time as until
we are in receipt of we have
we would appreciate please
I’m not saying that you should never use any of these phrases or words. However, the English language would be better off if some of them were to drop off the edge of the world. Scan your draft and cut way down on them.
Exercise #3
Here’s one of the most annoying, but easiest to trim, forms of sentence fat: unnecessary repetitions. Granted, it’s a fine idea to repeat things when doing so will really help your reader. But sometimes, writers repeat ideas that don’t need repeating. See how fast you can spot the needless repetitions in the sentences below. Type your revision, then check the professor’s revision.
1. We must cooperate together to discover the true facts.
2. He connected together all the components that were small in size, cylindrical in shape, and silver in color.
3. The committee agreed that advance planning had been key in each and every one of their successes.
4. At 9:45 a.m. this morning, leaders asked themselves the question: “Do we have an absolutely complete consensus on this issue?”
5. If in this day and age, most every man, woman, and child knows the basic essentials of computer utilization and application, the reason is because it is taught and inculcated in the public schools for the entire populace.
Exercise #4
Cut fat of every kind in the following sentences. Your answer WILL VARY from the professor’s; that’s OK!
1. Until such time as we are in possession of more information, we will be unable to offer a satisfactory reply to your inquiry.
2. We are unable to provide you with access to computerized laboratories in view of the fact that you are not in possession of personal identification.
3. Until such time as our company changes this policy, we are not in a position to supply information for the purpose of aiding your investigation of other companies.
4. In the event that employees fail to utilize the requisite safety precautions, our optimum course is to transmit this information to OSHA and request directives before deleterious effects ensue.
5. People renting our apartment units are concerned about whether we would provide for replacements of damaged personal property in the event of accidental discharge of the sprinkling system in the apartment complex.
Exercise #5
Now try your hand at trimming fat from an entire paragraph:
Subsequent to my conversation with Mr. Jones via telephone, the physician at the hospital where Mr. Jones is hospitalized indicated that Mr. Jones has an enlarged kidney and must undergo immediate surgery if a cure is to be effectuated. Due to the fact that Mr. Jones did not become cognizant of the nature of his particular disease and affliction until such time as he had been examined by the physician, he tended to make the exactly the same mistakes day after day, week after week. When he returns from the hospitalization experience, Mr. Jones assures us at this point in time, he will address his diet in a serious manner and eat health-promoting foods for the purpose of regaining his customary strength and vigor.